I remember the first day I saw him, a tiny human who would not open his eyes. To see him now, a whole man with dreams and responsibilities of his own is a reminder of how life moves forward, no matter how much we wish we could slow it down. God has been so gracious in giving me siblings. They are my constant companions, my first friends, and my forever anchors in this world. I often think about how different life would have been without them—without the laughter, the shared history, the unspoken understanding that only siblings can have.
But as much as I cherish these bonds, one of the hardest parts of growing up and getting married is the physical separation from them. It is easy to get caught up in the joy and excitement of building a new life with your spouse, but there are moments when you just long for the simplicity of being with your brother or sister. You miss the way they just get you, without you having to explain a thing. And while your partner becomes your new home, there’s always that special place your siblings hold in your heart, one that no one else can quite fill.
Anyway, I digress...
This morning, as I made my way to work, I felt a heaviness in my chest. It was not immediate or obvious, but it lingered, a quiet weight that I could not quite shake. I found myself going over my day, and my week, trying to figure out what it was that had stirred this feeling. And then it came to me, all at once: 28th September is almost here. The day I lost my mum.
It is funny how the body remembers things before the mind fully catches up. In the chaos of life—raising kids, juggling work, keeping up with the day-to-day—I had not given myself the time to truly think about it. And yet, here it was, creeping up on me like an old wound that still aches, even after all this time.
I miss her so much. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her, that I do not wish I could call her just to hear her voice or share a small moment of my day. Sometimes, it is the little things that catch me off guard—the way she used to laugh, or how she would always know exactly what to say when I was feeling overwhelmed. Other times, it is the big things, like realizing she will never get to meet Jaden’s siblings, who, just like him, have her spirit—so full of life and light.
She will not get to see how Dave and Shee have grown into such remarkable adults, so full of purpose and potential. And that 60th birthday we dreamed of celebrating for her—it is one of those milestones we will never reach together. That is the part that stings the most, I think—the missed moments, the celebrations that could have been, the shared laughter that is now only a memory.
But even in this, I find solace. I know she is at peace. I know she is safe. And that knowledge gives me the strength to keep moving forward, to keep living this life in a way that would make her proud. A piece of me is with her, up in heaven, and that connection is something no time or distance can ever take away.
Dearest Mum,
I love you, as I always have. And I miss you more than words can say. It is a different kind of missing now, deeper, more settled in my soul. It is not like the days when I was younger and we were apart for a while, knowing I could come back to you. This time, the separation feels permanent, and yet, somehow, I still feel your presence in everything I do. You are here, in the quiet moments, in the laughter of your grandchildren, in the love that still surrounds my family.
I wish I could call you, to tell you about how life is going, to share the joy and the struggles. I wish you were here to see how we have all grown, how Dave and Shee have blossomed into adults you would be so proud of. And oh, how I wish you could see Jaden’s sisters- Wendo and Tana, so full of energy, with that same mischievous spark you had. But I take comfort in knowing you are watching over us, in a way that only you can.
Thank you for being my mum. Thank you for the love you poured into me, a love that still carries me through the toughest days. A part of me is with you, always, and that is where I find my peace.
Keep shining, Mum. I will keep living, loving, and remembering you.
With all my heart,
Love, always
Muthoni
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