Today marks 4 months without my Wema and 6 years without my Mother. These are two people I never thought I would lose and never imagined life without. If I would say life moved on after their departure I would be telling a lie, it definitely did not stop but moving on was the hardest thing and is the hardest thing [we] have had to do.

As I searched for what to write about this week, my heart had an ache, because I realized it was the 28th, and every month for the past 4 months on this day has been hard [spell it as difficult] for me but I have to intentionally heal and this is part of it.

How has loss changed you? Is a question I think about a lot. Death has a way of shaping you when you least expect it and making you a mirror image of yourself. I have come to realize that grief is not only about the loss of our loved ones but also the dreams and plans that were made prior to the loss. I remember crying on the morning of my wedding day because I would not get to walk down the aisle with my mum, I cried after the birth of my two litu ladies because they wouldn't get to meet their grandma. When I lost Wema I remember the great longing for my mother's comfort. Every day for the past 4 months I have mourned the loss of the future plans I had for Wema. We keep saying how much different it would be if she was still here, how tall she would be, how loud she would be, how fast she would be running, how fast she would be talking, how happy she would be now that we got a kitten and then we mourn all that on top of our loss.

Death has changed the girl I knew 10 years ago and the woman I knew 6 months ago. It has mostly made me fearful. I now love with a little touch of fear- when I say goodbye to Cleo and the kids in the morning I am always afraid it might be the last time I see them. When any of my loved ones do not pick my phone I am afraid they are not okay.  Living with fear is hard, some days am afraid of picking a call because it just might be bad news. I am afraid of losing again every day.

Death has taught me to be intentional when it comes to love. I want my husband and my children to know I love them deeply. I want my siblings to know I love them. I now want to ensure I show up for my family members and my friends. God's timing is different for each of us, so intentionality goes a long way because you never know what tomorrow has for you or those around you.

Romans 8:28 Reminds us that; Even though bad/sad/evil/wicked things will touch our lives God will use them to ultimately bring about good, both in our lives and in the world. Knowing this gives me the strength to take a day as it comes and brace the waves as they come. 

With Love,

Muthoni.