Only God

 In 2010 I lost my beloved sister Carol, we were so close and I loved her deeply. My dad was not able to tell me when he came to school, our principal told me in a very calm way that she was not able to pull through. [This was after a 6month long sickness] I felt my heart break at that moment and I mourned then thought of my mum- the pain she must have been feeling was unexplainable-still is. Thereafter it was hard trying to do life without my sister. In school I would cry in class and I wanted to be in bed all day. The triggers drove me crazy but eventually by Gods grace we pulled through.

In 2015 I lost my Beloved Mother, I loved her deeply, I had known her all ,my life. We had become so close, typical best friends over time. The best grandmother I have ever come across and the most loving person I have ever met is what I remember her for. So on 28th September when her two best friends passed the news to my sister and I, that mum did not make it- I felt my heart break[again]. I had never pictured my life without my mum, we were so sure she would make it and come home just like she always had. It was hard thereafter picking the pieces and learning to do life without her. There are days getting out of bed was hard, eating was hard-basically life was different and difficult. Eventually I pulled through and by Gods grace life was seemingly coming back to normal.

This May 2021 on Friday 28th, I lost my litu lady Taraji. She died in my arms. I used to think child birth was painful- [but I have managed 3 of them]-until the doctor told me that she was gone. My heart did not break like it had 11 years ago when I lost Carol or 6 years ago when I lost my mum- my heart shuttered into many pieces, I lost apart of me. The pain I felt and still feel is immeasurable and unexplainable. 

When Taraji came into this world she filled my heart with  so much joy and so much love. I loved being her mummy and loving on her and watching her grow. When she died I had no idea what  to do with all this love that I had. I had no idea how to keep moving and keep living without my child. The first month was especially hard when the lituman and litu lady would ask for her and I had to keep explaining that she was in heaven with Jesus and it would lead to morning sobs because they miss their sister. I was overcome with the feeling of helplessness because I could not give them comfort or take the pain away. I hated being weak and I tried so hard to be 'okay' until one day the walls came tumbling down and pain was coming in waves. I was down for a whole week constantly crying and having it hard. 

"It took God, to pull through." This the constant answer that I have gotten from all the mummies I have met that have lost their babies. Only God has mended this shuttered heart of mine, comforted Cleo and our kids from this great pain. Only God has wiped our tears and brought smiles on our faces. Only God has brought people our way to be of comfort.

There are days I can not sleep and others I can not eat and others I can not get out of bed, but the constant has been God always showing up. God taking us through the difficult days and God coming through in the easy ones. 

Only God can mend a broken heart!

With Love,

Muthoni